Other Britons

They all seem to have something of an issue with me. Every single one I talk to just seems to have a massive attitude problem. Take this bloke this afternoon; the fire alarm in our building is faulty, always has been and was going off a bit today. The last time this happened a few of us came out of our apartments to see what was going on, my neighbours are predominantly Australian and are generally very friendly, they understood that the alarm sometimes goes off with no reason. In the end it stopped and we all had wine and laughs in Eric and Sophies apartment. A great conclusion. And then there was today.

Same story, but this time some big bald gormless oaf who was so sweaty his shirt had actually changed colour, comes thundering out of his apartment and demands to know if I set it off. I responded no, like any person who hadn’t done what they’d been accused of. The man then scoffed and went downstairs, exiting the building at speed.

Not much point to the story. I just want to pull his fucking head off.

End.

IMG_7983Its been almost forever since I’ve updated this. Its one of those forms of social media that you just tend to forget that you’ve signed up for and then move on from. Lets be honest here, a blog is a whole lot more self indulgent, theres a disconnect with your audience. Its like theres nothing immediate about keeping a blog and I quite like that.

I’ve decided that a lot of whats going on around me could do with documenting. A lot of what I see and hear in this part of the world is pretty alien or strange to me in general and it’d be a good to just put it down and I figured a disconnected, self-indulgent blog would be a good place to start. Image quality will vary, sometimes I’ll have a camera and sometimes I’ll have a potato phone camera.

Well, either way. Welcome back. Let the oddness commence.

A lesson learned.

The following story is completely true. There have been some parts added for writers effect. This story will be told in a film noir detective style, from Thea’s perspective.

It was a Saturday like any other, everyone in the house was up and I was having breakfast. A typical morning by anyone’s standards. And then it happened, my stomach sank as I saw the anonymous texting service number. I read the words on my phone, ‘You should check your Facebook, Ms. Floodgate’. Nobody calls me Ms. Floodgate. Hastily I ran from the kitchen to my bedroom and fired up my laptop. My heart was beating faster than a drummer during a jazz solo. I logged into Facebook and saw the dreaded icon…

One new friend request. TheBrollyNappers. There was nothing on their page, save for this:

“Oh for fucks sake!” my exclamation rang louder than any church bell. Louder than gunfire. Louder than a camp man who had just found cut price tickets to a Christina Aguilera concert. This roused my housemate, Rebecca who promptly came downstairs asked me what exactly was going on. Almost lost for words, I showed her the Facebook profile.

An hour passed, I was not sure how to deal with the vast array of emotions I was feeling. My mind raced like a Michael Bay movie, everything was happening at once, but nothing at the same time. Just as I was beginning to give up hope of ever seeing Umbrella again, the video came:

And now I was scared, but determined. Scared of what might happen to Umbrella, scared that I might not be able to complete the tasks laid out, but determined not to fail. I will not fail Umbrella. Looking over to Rebecca, she simply nodded “let’s do this”. We began our first task, to touch a road sign while pulling a face specified by the video. But first, I verified Rebecca as my with this picture:

“We have to touch a road sign while making this face” I said as I mimicked the action from the video.

“But we had to get rid of all the signs before Christmas,” Rebecca sighed.

“Come on, I know where we can take the picture”

Ten minutes passed and we found the sign:

I prayed it was enough as I submitted the post. Mercifully, the reply came:

“How do you make a haiku again?” Rebecca scratched her head as she read the email, her long blonde hair fell like a golden waterfall. (Dave’s note: There, I got that sentence in. Happy now?)

“Look, you figure that out, I’ve got a personal statement to write…”

Leaving her to ponder, I set about my task. Considering I’ve done this before, for UCAS, this should be easier than relieving an infant of their delicious sweet treat. I searched my mind for the right words. This was no easy task  to say the least seeing as the only words I had were “Go die in a herpes encrusted pit”. No, I must secure his release. I must prove my love for Umbrella. I began typing, once the first sentence was completed the rest flowed faster than a leaky tap. Just as I had finished Rebecca came back with her now finished haiku. I sent the email with my fingers crossed that this madman would let my dearest love Umbrella, go.

“That’s it?! That’s all you had to do?”

“Yup”

“You got it easy…”

Again, my heart pounded as I awaited a response. Some time later, I finally received a reply:

“Oh you’ve got to be kidding me…” I sighed. I knew this task would be different to the others, but now it had become a search. My resolve wavered, couldn’t I just buy a new Umbrella? Seeing my moment of inaction, Rebecca put her hand on my shoulder, “We can do this right if we work together. What would Umbrella do if the roles were reversed?!” I looked quizzically at her for a moment. “Ok, bad example. But what would an animate object do for you? They’d draw the best dog on a post it note that they could!” She said with all the enthusiasm of a Disney movie motivational speech. With renewed zeal I ran around the house and completed the tasks asked of me:

Broccoli 

Shower Cap

Slippers a la onion

Pencils, lot’s of pencils

Arnold

Socks

We sat after we posted the pictures. We were tired, we have being doing this for hours with nothing but Facebook updates from this Umbrellaphile. We sat and we waited, just waited. I cast my memory back to the fun times I had with Umbrella, where we danced and sang in the rain, where I defended his sexuality to passing chavs. Oh, I could not wait to hold him again.

“Thea! Look!” Rebecca shouted as she pointed at my laptop screen. It was a new notification:

I simply hung my head. I couldn’t even begin to count the amount of times I had uttered ‘for fucks sakes’. I sighed and handed Rebecca my camera to record the first video:

Mustering all of our artistic might, we crafted the sign:

And now came the greatest challenge, this had now gone beyond me and Rebecca. We needed the help of the house. I tasked Rebecca to ask people from her floor while I asked people on my own, I was met with some confused looks and I had explained what was going on far too many times today. My calls were heeded, and my housemates, my wonderful housemates came to the rescue:

I uploaded the videos as fast as my connection would allow, it was an agonising process. Finally the videos were uploaded, and all I could do was wait. I sat back in my chair and talked over the days events with Rebecca. Neither of us could honestly believe that this was happening. How could this have happened in the first place? Who would even want to take my dear, sweet Umbrella? Finally, the answer came:

I was delirious with joy! Finally this saga was coming to an end! My Umbrella would be returned unto me! Hallelujah! Moments later, another message arrived:

“What if it’s some sort of trick? A clever ruse?” Rebecca interjected. I got down from standing on my chair, waving my arms like I just didn’t care and looked her dead in the eyes.

“We’re going to get him back.”

“Well we’d better be safe” Rebecca had picked up a torch and was hitting it against her hand like a baton, a menacing look had crept across her otherwise innocent face. I simply nodded, with nearly an hour to kill we had to think of something else to do. I contemplated who the dastardly villain could be, how he could have done such a thing and more to the point, why? Well, as is the case with most people like this there is normally only one reason. “Some men just want to steal Umbrellas…” I mumbled with a Michael Cane accent. I decided to watch some comedy while I wait and before I knew it, it was time to brave the cold dark world.

Rebecca and I wandered down the outlying roads past the Chalres and onto the specified location. We were on edge. Thinking ahead we had brought torches and alarms, just in case this didn’t go to plan. We also decided to bring the items from the scavenger hunt along, just in case the kidnapper demanded an offering. Motioning towards a bush Rebecca said “We could hide in this!”

“Alternatively” I responded “He could be in there with his rape-face on” this made Rebecca jump back. We looked around, it was 9PM on the dot and there was no sign of this nefarious villain. When I looked across the road, I noticed a shadow moving towards us. “Oh shit, this is it” I gasped, trying to fight the urge to beat the guy senseless. His face was obscured by the darkness, but it was clear he had something behind his back. The jazz drummer had returned to my chest again. Now standing under the street lamp, his face began to take shape.

“You’re kidding me… YOU!” It was Dave, a friend from my course. And in his hand was Umbrella. Grinning, he simply handed it over, laughing all the while. I collapsed in joy, clutching my dear, sweet Umbrella. It was over, it was finally over.

Note from Dave:  This was the most fun I’ve had in a while. And there is a lesson here. If you find my netbook or phone with Facebook open and you close it down, that will be the end of it. I will not look for a way to prank you. But if you don’t, and you choose to frape me, I have a set of skills that make me a nightmare of a prankster. You can find TheBrollyNappers Facebook page here.